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Divorce and how you can become a whole person again

The love of your life, the person you always regarded as your perfect soulmate, has just ripped out your heart and asked for a divorce. You have probably suspected that things have been going wrong for some time but you have ignored the signs, the late nights and the whispered phone calls, in the hope that things would get better.

Now, the moment you were dreading most has happened. Suddenly, the future has never looked this bleak as the world you knew collapses around you. Not only does the love of your life want to leave, but there are all the other things – children, friends, finance – right now you believe that life will never be the same again.

Well-meaning friends are useless as their natural instinct is to side with you and criticise the person you still love the most. Even worse, the people you regarded as best friends are no longer there when you need them because they are unwilling to take sides – or even worse as realisation dawns that they knew what was happening all the time and never once thought to tell you.

I think you get the picture and if you have lived or are currently living through the pain of parting and divorce, the last thing you need is a lecture in positivity from a writer like me. Be assured – that’s not going to happen. Positive thinking comes much later and we will talk about that when you are ready. What I would really like you to do right now is get angry, but only on condition that it’s not with yourself.

You can choose where you wish to focus that anger whether it’s directly at your partner, former friends, work colleagues – it doesn’t matter because right now it is very therapeutic. Let the tears roll – you have been hurt – and to state the obvious, it will help.

You must also stop blaming yourself. Going over the past will change nothing and partnership is about two people. So don’t magnify all the things you think you did incorrectly as they no longer matter.

At some stage realisation will dawn that you have to move on and this is the point where you must now be strong, believe in yourself and be positive that your life is going to get better from this point on – and it will.

To do that you need a strategy, a plan going forward that will take you to a better place. It could well be that now that the dust has settled you find that you and your former partner could become reconciled. Maybe this was the wakeup call you both needed and if this is what you want then that’s fantastic- but remember your strategy needs lots of forgiveness and a set of ground rules for the future.

For most the parting will be permanent so your strategy has to be about you, your children if they are involved, your financial security and how you wish to lead your life as a strong person. This may be difficult because you are still feeling very bruised, but the anger has diminished and you are ready to embrace powerful positive thinking.

Start by writing everything down about your situation. Make it into a war and peace essay if you wish but as you write down your future – and this is what we are talking about - ensure that it contains a huge dose of common sense. Get rid of the bitterness and try to forgive. If you do not let go then it will only affect you in the long term and prevent you from moving on.

Are you happy with the strategy? Did you remember to put together a common sense wish list of how you want things to develop in the future? If the answer is yes then please destroy that piece of paper and have faith that the message has reached the universe and try if you can, never to think about it again. If you keep on focussing on that strategy all you will be telling the universe is it has yet to be delivered – so as hard as it will seem – forget it.

The next step is to feel positive that everything in your life is about to improve, feel excited about the prospect if you wish but don’t keep going over affirmations and mood boards – the universe really did get your message and doesn’t need constant reminders.

It would prefer it instead if you actually took a bit of action to bring your new life into reality. Look for that new home, job, social group, hobby or whatever it is that brings joy into your life and just see how things begin to improve.

I have left it to the end to talk about the fears you might have right now as you go forward. You are very brave but your positive mind-set will give you the strength you need. You may falter occasionally, but that will be just a small traffic jam in comparison to the wonderful journey you are now taking.

Before ending this short blog I have to mention loneliness. It may have been a very lonely journey so far since the day you first had your heart ripped out. But you are now feeling better and stronger and if you can remain positive life will be better than you ever imagined and in time someone new will enter your life.

That process will take place far more quickly if you have devised you strategy and ended all bitterness. The future really is in your hands.