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Let’s start to feel sorry for the bullies

Let’s start to feel sorry for the bullies that make our life a misery. We have all felt their presence and animosity in our childhood and there is plenty of evidence to suggest that you can still be a victim even into old age.

Most of us are strong enough to deal with bullies and even though their activity hurts at the time, possibly physically as well as mentally, we can shrug it off as a life learning experience. But for the vulnerable, a bullies victim of choice, it is not life learning – it can be life changing.

For those victims, possibly feeling constantly on edge and fearful, it’s a big ask to feel sorry for their tormentors. If you feel trapped in a marriage with a bullying spouse or in a job you love, which is slowly being ruined by an abusive manager or colleague, then the last thing you will be feeling is pity – but let me explain further.

To deal with bullies and bullying you have to be prepared to change your mind set and a good start is to begin to feel sorry for them, to understand their pain and anguish because underneath all that aggression and venom is a person trying to cover up his or her own very real fears and shortcomings.

Bullies are one mass of insecurities and shame because they cannot hide from themselves. They know they are cowards, suffer from jealousy and insecurities and they are petrified the rest of us will find out their secrets – so they go on the attack.

They will never stop being bullies until they come to terms with the people they really are, which is why the school bully will more likely be contrite and apologetic if he or she bumps into you in the street many years later. More often than not they will want to apologise and try in some way to make up for all the past hurts because they have finally realised the pain they caused.

Some experts suggest that bullies suffer from low self-esteem but that is frequently not the case. To hide those inner fears the bully comes across as confident and intimidating. They want to look that way in case you ever discover their real fears and weaknesses.

Their mission is to make you look bad to cover up their own pain but of course when you are on the receiving it’s the last thing you’re thinking about. So let’s discuss the options. Giving him or her a good punch on the nose would probably make you feel better and sometimes that might be the only option in a playground or street situation where you are genuinely threatened.

But what we are really talking about here is the insidious and devious little bully who takes delight at your pain. First you need to clear your mental inbox and see that person for what he or she is, a sad, friendless and lonely character who needs help. Your next step is to forgive that person for all the hurt and anguish they have hurled in your direction.

At some stage you know that will have to confront that bully or walk away from a job or marriage or other situation that has now become unbearable. This is where you will need powerful positive thinking to lock in by writing down the state you find yourself in because you know you will need courage to take the next step and you need to be clear in your mind what action to take.

So let’s get out that bit of paper. You have already decided to forgive and that’s good because any feelings of hatred will always come back to you in some way because that’s where your thoughts are focussed. By taking away the hatred the bully can now be seen in more clarity – and they probably look a little pathetic and if you are now beginning to feel sorry for them then you are reducing their power over you.

You then need to write down your strategy, what you want to achieve and all the outcomes. Consider what actions you need to take in a common sense way. Those actions might mean walking away if you feel you have had enough. It might mean writing a letter to someone in authority voicing your complaints, it might if you have the courage mean directly confronting your tormentor and letting them know that you will; take further action if they do not stop their bullying and harassment. Nowadays there are laws and advisors who will support you – so you are not alone – the cavalry is there if you need it.

But’s let’s get back to your strategy and that note. You have practiced forgiveness, you have stated your objectives in a common sense way and you have decided on a course of action. Simply by doing this you will feel a weight has been lifted from your shoulders because you have put everything into perspective and your thoughts are no longer clouded by emotion.

Now destroy that paper in the faith that the universe has got your message and change is on the way. Implement your action and you will be surprised how quickly things begin to get better. You are now back in charge – you have the power.

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