That is the kind of anger I want to explore because it can be far more destructive than the occasional explosion. Physical violence and abuse are entirely different matters and require proper professional intervention and support, but there is another form of anger that can slowly damage a relationship without anybody recognising what is happening. It is found in the constant sighing, the sarcastic remark, the impatient response, the put-down that is dismissed as a joke and the atmosphere that changes whenever one particular person walks into the room.
The person creating that atmosphere may have no idea what they are doing. They may believe they are stressed, tired or surrounded by people who are making life difficult. Meanwhile, the people closest to them are learning to keep quiet, avoid certain subjects and think carefully before saying anything at all. That is when anger becomes much more than an emotion. It becomes an environment.
Very few people decide that they are going to become angry and difficult. It normally happens by degrees, which is one of the reasons it can be so difficult to recognise. Life throws problems at you, responsibilities increase, work becomes more demanding, money creates anxiety and relationships occasionally become complicated. You cope with one problem and then another appears, until eventually you find yourself carrying around a permanent sense of frustration.
At first you blame the circumstances, and there may be good reason to do so. You have had a difficult week, your boss has been unreasonable, the bills are mounting or somebody has let you down. But then the difficult week becomes a difficult month, the difficult month becomes a difficult year and somewhere along the way you stop noticing that the problem is no longer only what is happening around you. The problem is the person you are becoming in response to it. That is the moment when you need to stop and take a proper look at yourself.
When Everyone Else Becomes the Problem
There is a very uncomfortable test you can give yourself if you are wondering whether anger has begun to dominate your life. Ask yourself how many people irritate you.
If almost everyone seems to get on your nerves, it may be time to consider whether the problem really is everyone else. The slow driver annoys you, the fast driver annoys you, the colleague who talks too much irritates you and the colleague who says nothing is equally frustrating. Your partner doesn't listen, your children don't appreciate you and the person standing in front of you in the supermarket appears to have chosen the longest queue in Britain.
At some point, the mathematics becomes difficult to ignore. If almost everybody is irritating you, there is one common factor in all of those encounters. You. That isn't an accusation. It is an opportunity, because you can do something about your own behaviour in a way that you cannot do about everybody else in the world.
There are times when anger is understandable. If you have lost your job, suffered a financial crisis, experienced the breakdown of a relationship or gone through some other major upheaval, you are entitled to feel upset. Nobody should expect you to carry on smiling as though nothing has happened. Difficult circumstances create difficult emotions and those emotions need somewhere to go. The problem begins when the circumstances change but the anger stays.
You may have experienced something painful years ago and still be allowing it to influence the way you treat people today. A problem at work can follow you home long after you have left the office. A betrayal can make you suspicious of people who have done nothing wrong. A disappointment can become evidence that life is always against you.
The original event may have disappeared into the past, but you have carried the emotional baggage with you. That is when you need to ask yourself whether you are still responding to what happened or whether you have turned the response into a way of life.
What Are You Really Carrying?
If this is beginning to sound familiar, don't start by asking why everybody else is annoying you. Ask yourself what you are carrying around inside your own head.
What are you worried about? What are you frightened might happen? What are you disappointed about? Is there something that happened years ago that you have never really dealt with? Are you exhausted from trying to maintain an image that no longer feels comfortable? Are you constantly thinking about money, work, family or the future?
These questions matter because anger is sometimes easier to express than fear, sadness or disappointment. Being angry can make you feel powerful when underneath the anger you may actually feel frightened or completely out of control. It can become a kind of armour that protects you from having to acknowledge what is really hurting.
Understanding that doesn't excuse unpleasant behaviour, but it can help you find the source of it and once you know the source, you have somewhere to begin.
There is another uncomfortable truth that angry people often fail to recognise. You may be giving the people you love the worst version of yourself. You manage to control your temper at work because you know there are consequences. You can be polite to strangers because you want them to like you. Then you walk through your front door carrying all the frustrations of the day and unload them on the people who are most likely to forgive you.
You tell yourself that they understand. You assume they know you don't really mean it. You convince yourself that they will get over it. They may understand, but that doesn't mean they aren't being hurt.
Over time, people adapt to anger. They stop raising certain subjects because they know what will happen. They stop asking questions. They stop disagreeing. They become careful about what they say and when they say it. Eventually, you may achieve something that looks like peace because nobody argues with you anymore, but there is a difference between peace and silence. Sometimes silence means people have stopped trying.
Your Wake-Up Call
If you recognise yourself in this story, this is the point where you have a choice. You can defend your behaviour and explain why everyone else has pushed you to this point, or you can admit that you don't like the person you have become. The second option takes more courage, but it is also where change begins.
Tell the people closest to you that you have noticed something isn't right. Ask them how they experience your behaviour. You may hear things that make you uncomfortable, but if you genuinely want to change, you need honesty rather than reassurance.
You might discover that your partner has been walking on eggshells. You might learn that your children have noticed your temper. You might find that friends have stopped inviting you because they don't enjoy being around someone who is permanently irritated. Don't rush to defend yourself. Listen.
There can be enormous power in saying, "I didn't realise I had become like this, but I don't want to stay this way." That sentence could be the beginning of a completely different future.
This is where Powerful Positive Thinking can turn an idea into something practical. Get yourself a piece of paper and write down an honest description of the person you have become. Include the impatience, the arguments, the criticism, the things that trigger you and the worries that seem to occupy your mind. Don't write the person you wish you were. Write the person you are today.
Then, underneath it, describe the person you want to become. Maybe you want to be more patient, more tolerant and more willing to listen. Maybe you want to stop bringing work problems into your home. Maybe you want to stop assuming that everyone is trying to make your life difficult. Maybe you want to laugh more often and enjoy the people around you again.
Don't make the exercise about becoming perfect. Make it about becoming better. Then write down the practical steps that will help you get there.
Positive Thinking Needs Common Sense
This is where I believe Powerful Positive Thinking is different from the sort of empty optimism that tells you everything will be wonderful if you think enough happy thoughts. It won't. You cannot write down a new personality and expect your old behaviour to disappear overnight. You have to act differently when the opportunity arises.
When you feel yourself losing your temper, pause. When you are about to make the sarcastic comment, think about whether it needs to be said. When you have behaved badly, apologise rather than waiting for somebody else to make the first move. If there is a genuine problem creating the stress, start dealing with it instead of carrying it around like a permanent piece of luggage.
These may sound like small things, but that is exactly how change works. You are replacing one habit with another.
Instead of reacting immediately, you learn to pause. Instead of assuming the worst, you ask a question. Instead of turning every disagreement into a battle, you accept that two people can see something differently and still respect each other. That is positive thinking backed by action.
When you have written everything down and created your own specification for the person you want to become, you can make the exercise as meaningful as you wish. Read it carefully, make any changes you need to make and then destroy the paper. Tear it up, throw it away or find your own way of marking the moment.
The paper isn't magical and destroying it won't suddenly change your personality. What matters is the decision behind the gesture. You have acknowledged what has been happening and decided that you don't want to continue along the same road.
Now comes the important part. Forget the piece of paper and concentrate on the action. The change has to happen in the next conversation, the next argument, the next difficult journey through traffic and the next moment when somebody does something that would previously have sent you into a rage. That is where you prove that you meant what you wrote.
The most encouraging thing about all of this is that becoming angry doesn't mean you have lost yourself forever. You may have spent years becoming impatient, negative and difficult without ever consciously deciding that this was the person you wanted to be. Life pushed you in a particular direction and you followed it until eventually you looked around and realised that you didn't recognise yourself anymore, but you can change direction.
You cannot control the traffic, the economy, your colleagues, your partner, your family or every stupid thing another human being will do between now and the end of your life. If you wait for the world to become less irritating before you become less angry, you could be waiting forever. The place to start is with yourself.
You can learn to pause before reacting. You can learn to listen again. You can deal with the worries that have been sitting inside your head and you can ask the people you love to help you rediscover the person you used to be.
The world around you may not change very much, but you might and when you do, you may discover something rather remarkable. The people who appeared to be causing all your problems were never entirely responsible for the way you experienced your life.
You were carrying much of that anger yourself. Put it down, and you may finally discover that there is still plenty of life left to enjoy.
Frequently asked questions about this story
1. Why does anger sometimes become a permanent part of someone's personality?
Anger can develop gradually when stress, disappointment or unresolved problems are allowed to accumulate. What begins as an occasional reaction can eventually become a habitual way of responding to everyday situations, making irritation feel normal.
2. How can I tell whether I have become an angry person?
Look at how often you feel irritated by other people and how frequently you react with impatience, criticism or sarcasm. If almost everyone seems to annoy you, it may be worth asking whether your tolerance has changed rather than assuming everyone else is the problem.
3. Can stress make someone more short-tempered?
Yes. Prolonged pressure can reduce your ability to deal calmly with ordinary frustrations. The important distinction is between recognising stress as the cause of your behaviour and using it as a permanent excuse for treating other people badly.
4. Why do we often take our anger out on the people we love?
Home can feel like the place where we can finally release everything we have been holding inside during the day. Unfortunately, that can mean partners and family members receive emotions that originated elsewhere, gradually creating tension and resentment within the relationship.
5. Can constant criticism damage a relationship?
It can. Repeated criticism, sarcasm and impatience can make another person feel that nothing they do is good enough. Over time, they may stop communicating openly because avoiding conflict feels easier than continuing to argue.
6. How can I find out what is really making me angry?
Look beyond the immediate irritation and ask what is happening underneath it. Financial worries, relationship problems, disappointment, fear or an unresolved experience from the past may be contributing to the way you react today.
7. Should I ask other people whether my behaviour has changed?
If you are serious about changing, an honest conversation with someone you trust can be extremely valuable. The people closest to you may have noticed changes that you have failed to recognise yourself, although you need to be prepared to listen without immediately defending your behaviour.
8. Can Powerful Positive Thinking help with anger?
Powerful Positive Thinking can provide a framework for changing negative thought patterns, but it needs to be supported by common sense and action. Recognising your triggers, changing how you respond and dealing with the problems creating your stress are all important parts of the process.
9. What should I do when I feel myself becoming angry?
Create a pause between the emotion and your response. Rather than immediately saying what comes into your head, give yourself time to consider whether your reaction will improve the situation or make it worse. With practice, that pause can become a powerful new habit.
10. What if I have been an angry person for years?
Years of behaving in a particular way do not mean you are condemned to continue doing so. Start by acknowledging the person you have become, identify what is driving the behaviour and decide what you want to change. If anger is seriously affecting your relationships or daily life, professional support may also be appropriate.
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