Most of us encounter bullying at some point in our lives. It may begin in the school playground, where the bully discovers that intimidation can produce a reaction, but bullying doesn't necessarily end when we leave school. It can follow us into the workplace, into relationships and increasingly into our online lives. For some people, particularly those who are vulnerable, sensitive or already struggling with their confidence, bullying doesn't become a childhood lesson that they eventually shrug off. It can change the way they see themselves, the way they see other people and, eventually, the way they see the world.
That is why I want to approach this subject differently. Not because the bully deserves your forgiveness, but because you deserve your freedom.
We often think of bullying as something that happens to us physically or verbally, but there is another battle taking place that can be much more damaging. It is happening inside your head. The bully says something cruel and you replay it later. They humiliate you in front of colleagues and you think about it that evening. They criticise you, undermine you or make you feel inadequate and, eventually, their voice can begin to become your voice.
This is where I believe positive thinking becomes enormously important. If you allow somebody else's behaviour to determine how you think about yourself, they have acquired something they were never entitled to in the first place. They have acquired control of your mind, and you have to take that back.
This is one of the central ideas behind my book You're Not Broken. We can spend an extraordinary amount of time believing that something is wrong with us because somebody else told us there was. But somebody else's opinion isn't a fact, and it certainly isn't a definition of who you are. You may have been hurt by another person, but being hurt does not mean that you are broken.
So Why Feel Sorry for Them?
Now we get to the difficult bit. Why should you feel sorry for someone who has deliberately made your life miserable? Because perhaps the bully isn't the powerful person you imagine them to be. Perhaps they are frightened. Perhaps they are deeply insecure. Perhaps they are carrying enormous amounts of shame. Perhaps they have never learned how to deal with their own inadequacies, so they have discovered that the easiest way to feel bigger is to make somebody else feel smaller.
Think about that for a moment. A genuinely confident person doesn't need to humiliate somebody else. A secure person doesn't need to dominate every conversation or deliberately make another human being miserable simply to feel better about themselves. The bully may look powerful, but sometimes aggression is simply insecurity wearing a very convincing disguise.
That doesn't excuse what they do. It doesn't mean we tolerate it, and it certainly doesn't mean we allow them to continue. But understanding what may be happening beneath the aggression can change the way we see the bully. More importantly, it can change the emotional relationship we have with them. And that matters because the less frightened we are of someone, the less power they have over us.
There is another reason I believe forgiveness can be powerful. Hatred has a habit of becoming another form of imprisonment. You may leave the job, leave the relationship or stop seeing the person, but if you continue thinking about them every day, they haven't really left. They're still living inside your head. You're still having conversations with them, still imagining what you should have said, still rehearsing the argument and still wishing something terrible would happen to them.
They may be nowhere near you, but emotionally they are still controlling you. That isn't freedom. It is another form of captivity.
This is where You're Not Broken connects so strongly with positive thinking. Positive thinking isn't about pretending somebody didn't hurt you. It isn't about putting a smile on your face and insisting that everything is wonderful. It is about deciding that what happened to you does not get to determine what happens next. You cannot always control what somebody does to you, but you can eventually take responsibility for what you allow their behaviour to do to your future.
Forgiveness Isn't Surrender
Please understand the distinction. Forgiveness doesn't mean saying that what happened was acceptable. It doesn't mean inviting the bully back into your life. It doesn't mean refusing to report harassment, staying in an abusive relationship or remaining in a workplace that is damaging you. Sometimes the most positive thing you can do is walk away. Sometimes you need to involve somebody else, report what is happening or seek professional or legal support. If you are in genuine danger, your priority must always be your safety.
Forgiveness is something different. It is something you do for yourself. It is the decision to stop carrying the emotional weight of what somebody else did to you. When you put that weight down, you can begin thinking clearly again. You can start making decisions based on what you need rather than what the bully has made you feel.
So, here's something I would like you to try. Get a piece of paper and write down exactly what is happening. Not what you fear might happen and not what you imagine the bully is thinking. Write down the facts. Then write down what you want to happen. Do you want the bullying to stop? Do you need to speak to somebody in authority? Do you need to leave? Do you need to establish boundaries? Do you need help?
Write it all down because once you put the problem on paper, something interesting happens. You stop carrying it entirely inside your head. When emotion begins to give way to clarity, you can start making decisions based on what you need rather than what the bully has made you feel.
Then write down the actions you are prepared to take. Be practical and be honest with yourself. You may decide that you need to confront the person. You may decide that you need to write to somebody in authority. You may decide that it is time to leave. There is no single answer because every situation is different. What matters is that you have moved from feeling powerless to considering what you can actually do.
Take Back the Power
This is where powerful positive thinking really earns its place. It isn't about pretending that everything is fine, waiting for the Universe to solve your problems or repeating an affirmation while doing nothing. Positive thinking becomes powerful when it changes what you do.
You begin to think differently. You start telling yourself that you don't have to accept this, that you don't have to become the person this bully says you are and that you have choices. You can ask for help. You can establish boundaries. You can walk away. You can fight your corner. You can start again. And suddenly something changes. The bully hasn't necessarily changed. You have.
That is the difference. The moment you begin to believe that you have choices, you stop seeing yourself entirely through the eyes of the person who has been trying to control you.
This is why the message behind You're Not Broken is so important. When somebody repeatedly tells you that you're useless, stupid, weak, unattractive, incapable or somehow less important than everyone else, it can become surprisingly easy to believe them.
But you need to ask yourself a very simple question: who gave them the authority to define you?
You may have been damaged by what happened. You may have lost confidence. You may have become frightened of speaking up. You may have started doubting your own judgement. But none of those things mean that you are broken.
Hurt isn't broken. Fear isn't broken. A damaged sense of confidence isn't broken. These are things that can change and sometimes the first step towards changing them is simply recognising that the voice inside your head isn't necessarily your voice. Sometimes it belongs to the person who has spent far too long telling you what they think you are.
Perhaps They Should Be Pitied
So perhaps we should feel sorry for the bully. Not because they deserve our sympathy and not because we should excuse their behaviour, but because when you finally see them clearly, you may realise that their greatest weapon was never their strength. It was your belief that they were stronger than you.
Perhaps underneath all the aggression is someone frightened of being discovered for who they really are. Perhaps they are fighting battles you know nothing about. Perhaps one day they will understand the damage they caused, and perhaps they won't. But that doesn't have to be your problem anymore.
Your job isn't to fix them. Your job is to stop allowing them to break you.
I believe that is where positive thinking can become something much more powerful than an endless stream of affirmations. It can become a decision to reclaim your own life. You can acknowledge what happened without allowing it to become the story of who you are. You can forgive without forgetting. You can understand without excusing. And you can walk away without carrying the bully with you.
Because perhaps the most positive thing you can do isn't to defeat the bully at all. Perhaps it is to reach the point where you no longer need to.
The bully may have had your attention. They may have had your fear. They may even have had your confidence for a while, but they never had the right to have your future.
And perhaps that is the moment when you finally understand the truth. You were never broken. You were simply carrying somebody else's definition of you and it's time to put it down.
Frequently Asked Questions
1. Why do bullies target certain people?
There is no single type of person who becomes a victim of bullying. However, bullies may target people they perceive as vulnerable, different or unlikely to challenge their behaviour. Being targeted does not mean there is anything wrong with the victim.
2. Does bullying always come from someone with low self-esteem?
Not necessarily. A bully may appear extremely confident and intimidating. Their behaviour can sometimes be driven by insecurity, jealousy, fear or a need to control others. Understanding the possible reasons behind bullying, however, does not excuse the behaviour.
3. Can bullying affect you years after it has stopped?
Yes. Experiences of bullying can influence confidence, relationships and the way someone interprets other people's behaviour long after the original situation has ended. Recognising that these effects are consequences of what happened—not evidence that you are "broken"—can be an important step forward.
4. Does forgiving a bully mean letting them off the hook?
No. Forgiveness is about releasing yourself from the anger and resentment associated with what happened. It doesn't mean accepting the behaviour, forgetting it, or refusing to take action. You can forgive someone while still holding them accountable.
5. How can positive thinking help someone who is being bullied?
Positive thinking cannot make bullying disappear, but it can help change the way you respond to it. Reminding yourself that the bully's words do not define you can help you regain perspective, confidence and the ability to make decisions rather than simply reacting from fear.
6. What should I do if bullying is happening at work?
Start by recording what is happening, including dates, incidents and any relevant messages or evidence. Consider speaking to someone you trust, your manager, HR or an appropriate authority. You do not have to deal with persistent bullying alone.
7. Should I confront a bully directly?
That depends entirely on the circumstances. In some situations, calmly establishing boundaries may be appropriate. In others, particularly where there is a risk of intimidation or physical harm, confrontation may not be sensible. Your safety should always come first.
8. How do I stop a bully's voice becoming my inner voice?
Start questioning what you have been told about yourself. Ask whether it is actually true or simply something repeated often enough that you began to believe it. Your identity should not be built around somebody else's cruelty or opinion.
9. Why does hatred give a bully continued power over you?
Because constant anger keeps your attention focused on the person who hurt you. Even when they are no longer present, you continue giving them space in your thoughts. Letting go of hatred isn't weakness; it can be a way of taking back control of your own mind.
10. What is the most important thing to remember after being bullied?
You are not broken. You may have been hurt, frightened or left with damaged confidence, but none of those things define who you are or what your future can become. The aim is not to erase what happened, but to stop it controlling what happens next.
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