But where did those beliefs come from? How many were formed through our own experiences, and how many were handed to us by other people? How much of the person you see when you look in the mirror is actually you and how much is the result of years spent trying to become the person everyone else wanted you to be?
It is an uncomfortable question because it challenges something most of us take for granted – and that is our understanding of ourselves. We assume that the person we have become is the natural result of our experiences and decisions. Yet much of our identity may have been shaped before we were old enough to question it.
Our parents tell us what is acceptable. Our teachers tell us what we are good at. Our friends influence how we behave. Our partners have expectations of us, while society provides an almost endless list of things we should aspire to become. Gradually, these opinions and expectations can become so deeply embedded in our thinking that we stop recognising them as someone else's ideas. We begin to believe they are our own and that is where the problem starts.
Think back to your childhood. Long before you understood the complexities of human behaviour, you were already learning who you were supposed to be.Perhaps you were told that you were clever, difficult, sensitive, shy, talented or troublesome. Maybe you were the responsible one in the family, the child who never caused problems or the one who was always expected to look after everyone else.
At the time, these descriptions may have seemed harmless. They were often offered with affection or intended to encourage good behaviour, but children are extraordinarily receptive to the opinions of the adults around them. When someone they trust repeatedly tells them who they are, it can become difficult to imagine being anything else.
The quiet child may grow into an adult who struggles to speak up. The child who was constantly praised for being clever may become an adult who is terrified of making mistakes. The child who was always expected to be responsible may become someone who feels guilty whenever they put their own needs first.
Of course, childhood does not determine everything about us. We change, learn and develop throughout our lives, but the beliefs we acquire when we are young can become the foundations on which we build our understanding of ourselves.
The difficulty is that we rarely return to examine those foundations. We accept them as facts, even when they are no longer relevant to the person we have become. What if the shy child is now perfectly capable of speaking confidently? What if the person who was once told they were not academic has an extraordinary ability to solve problems? What if the responsible child has grown into an adult who is desperately tired of carrying everybody else's expectations?
We may have changed enormously, yet continue to live according to a description of ourselves that was formed decades ago.
The Opinions of Others Become Our Own
One of the most extraordinary things about being human is our ability to absorb the opinions of other people. We are social creatures, and the approval of those around us can have a powerful influence on how we behave.
There is nothing inherently wrong with that. We learn from one another, develop relationships and benefit from the experience and advice of others. But there is a difference between listening to someone else's opinion and allowing it to become the truth about ourselves.
Imagine spending years being told that you are not particularly good at something. It might be mathematics, public speaking, writing or dealing with people. Eventually, you may stop questioning the original judgement. You accept it as part of your personality.
You might even avoid opportunities that would allow you to discover whether the judgement was accurate in the first place. The same thing happens in relationships. A partner may describe us as difficult, selfish, unreliable or overly sensitive. Sometimes there may be something worth reflecting on in that criticism. At other times, it may say more about the relationship than it does about us. The danger comes when we stop distinguishing between useful feedback and someone else's interpretation of our character.
We begin to see ourselves through their eyes. We adjust our behaviour to avoid criticism, suppress opinions to prevent arguments and abandon interests because they do not fit the expectations of the people around us. Eventually, we may find ourselves living a life that looks entirely reasonable to everyone else but feels strangely unfamiliar to us. We have become so accustomed to meeting other people's expectations that we have forgotten to ask ourselves what we actually want.
The Invisible Prison of Being Who Everyone Expects
Most people do not wake up one morning and decide to abandon their own identity. It happens gradually, through thousands of small decisions. We choose a career because our parents believe it offers security. We avoid expressing an opinion because we do not want to upset our friends. We stay in relationships because we are frightened of disappointing someone. We pursue success because society has taught us that certain achievements are the measure of a worthwhile life.
Individually, these decisions may seem perfectly sensible. The problem emerges when we begin to make them automatically, without questioning whether they reflect our own values and ambitions. We can become prisoners of expectations that nobody has explicitly demanded we follow.
The most interesting part is that the people whose approval we are seeking may not even be aware of the influence they have over us. Our parents may have moved on from their expectations. Our teachers may have forgotten the things they said. Our friends may have changed their opinions entirely. Yet we continue to behave as though their approval is essential. We are still trying to satisfy people who may no longer be asking anything of us.
This is one of the most important questions we can ask ourselves - if nobody else had an opinion about the way we lived, what would we do differently? Would we choose the same career? Would we maintain the same friendships? Would we have the same ambitions? Would we spend our time in the same way? The answers can be revealing. They may also be uncomfortable because they force us to consider how much of our lives has been shaped by the desire to be accepted.
We often talk about personality as though it is something fixed and unchangeable. We describe ourselves as introverted, cautious, ambitious, emotional, independent or insecure. These descriptions help us make sense of our behaviour, but they can also prevent us from questioning it.
Consider the person who describes themselves as someone who hates confrontation. They may believe that avoiding disagreements is an essential part of their personality. But what if the behaviour is actually driven by a fear of rejection, criticism or upsetting other people?
Or think about someone who insists they are not ambitious. Perhaps they genuinely have no desire to pursue a particular career or lifestyle. But what if they have spent so many years believing they are not capable of achieving anything more that they have stopped trying? There is a significant difference between choosing not to do something and believing you are incapable of doing it.
Our fears can become so familiar that we mistake them for personality traits. We may even defend them because they provide a convenient explanation for why we avoid certain situations.
That does not mean every personality trait is a disguised fear. We all have genuine preferences, natural tendencies and different ways of experiencing the world, but it is worth asking whether some of the things we believe about ourselves are actually protective behaviours we developed to avoid discomfort.
The person who never takes risks may not be naturally cautious. They may be frightened of failure. The person who always agrees with others may not be naturally accommodating. They may be terrified of rejection. Until we question these beliefs, we may never discover whether they genuinely reflect who we are.
The Exhaustion of Trying to Be Somebody Else
There is a particular kind of exhaustion that comes from constantly trying to meet expectations. It is not necessarily physical, and it may have nothing to do with how much work we do. It comes from the effort of maintaining an image of ourselves that we believe other people expect to see.
We become the dependable employee, the perfect parent, the successful businessperson, the accommodating partner or the friend who is always available. We play these roles so convincingly that we may no longer recognise how much effort they require. The difficulty is that there is always another expectation to satisfy.
The successful employee must become more successful. The responsible parent must never make a mistake. The accommodating partner must continue to put everyone else's needs first. The person who has always been strong is expected to remain strong, even when they are struggling.
We can spend our entire lives maintaining these identities, terrified that if we step outside them, we will disappoint someone or lose their approval, but what happens when we stop performing?
What happens when we allow ourselves to admit that we do not know all the answers, that we are tired of being responsible for everything or that the career we have worked so hard to build no longer makes us happy? For some people, these questions can feel threatening because they challenge the very identity on which their lives have been built.
Yet there is a certain freedom in recognising that we do not have to perform a role for the rest of our lives. We can change our minds, question our ambitions and discover interests that have nothing to do with the person we once believed we had to become. We are allowed to be different.
The Difference Between Knowing Yourself and Defining Yourself
We are often encouraged to discover who we really are. It sounds like an admirable ambition, but I wonder whether we sometimes approach the idea in the wrong way. We spend years trying to define ourselves. We collect descriptions, identify strengths and weaknesses, establish goals and develop a clear picture of the person we believe we should be, but perhaps the problem is that we are too eager to arrive at a final answer.
The moment we decide that we are a particular kind of person, we risk limiting what we believe is possible. We create boundaries around our own identity and begin to interpret new experiences through those boundaries.
If we believe we are not creative, we may never explore our imagination. If we believe we are not confident, we may avoid opportunities that require us to speak up. If we believe we are bad at relationships, we may approach every new connection expecting it to fail. Our definition of ourselves can become a restriction.
Knowing yourself should involve curiosity rather than certainty. It should mean being willing to question your assumptions, recognise your changing interests and accept that you may be capable of things you have never previously considered. You do not have to decide who you are for the rest of your life. You only have to remain open to discovering more about yourself.
This brings me to an idea that sits at the heart of my philosophy of Powerful Positive Thinking. Imagine a sculptor looking at a large block of stone. Somewhere inside that stone is the shape he wants to reveal. His task is not to add more stone, but to remove the material that prevents the sculpture from emerging. I believe there is an important lesson in that process.
We often approach personal development as though we are incomplete. We believe we need more confidence, more motivation, more discipline or more positive thinking. We spend our lives trying to add qualities that we think will make us better people, but what if we already possess much of what we need?
What if the real task is to remove the beliefs that prevent us from recognising our own abilities? What if we need to question the fear of failure, the need for approval and the expectations we have carried for years? We may not need to become someone entirely different. We may need to stop believing that we are the person other people have told us we must be.
This is not about rejecting everything we have learned or blaming others for the lives we lead. Our experiences, relationships and responsibilities all contribute to who we are. Some of the expectations placed upon us have helped us become thoughtful, considerate and responsible adults.
The challenge is to distinguish between the beliefs that genuinely support us and those that restrict our lives. That process requires honesty. It means examining the assumptions we have never questioned and being prepared to discover that some of the things we have always believed about ourselves are no longer true.
It also means accepting that we may not have all the answers. Discovering who we are is not a destination we reach once and then leave behind. It is an ongoing process of learning, questioning and changing.
You Have the Freedom to Change Your Mind
One of the most liberating realisations in life is that we are not obliged to remain the person we were yesterday. We can change our opinions, abandon ambitions that no longer matter and develop interests that would once have seemed completely out of character. We can learn to speak up after years of remaining silent. We can become more independent after a lifetime of seeking approval and we can do all these things without having to apologise for the person we used to be.
The difficulty is that change can make other people uncomfortable. They may have become accustomed to a particular version of us and prefer that we remain predictable. When we begin to behave differently, they may question our decisions or suggest that we are no longer the person they knew. But their familiarity with the person we used to be does not give them the right to determine who we become.
We should be equally careful not to impose our own expectations on ourselves. Just because we have spent years pursuing a particular ambition does not mean we have to continue pursuing it. Just because we have always been the person who takes responsibility does not mean we must carry every burden indefinitely. We are allowed to reconsider.
In fact, the ability to reconsider our beliefs may be one of the most valuable skills we can develop. It gives us the freedom to respond to new experiences rather than remaining trapped by decisions made when we had a very different understanding of ourselves.
Perhaps the most difficult part of discovering who we really are is accepting that there may not be one simple answer. We are not a fixed collection of personality traits, childhood labels or other people's opinions. We are constantly learning, changing and responding to the world around us.
Yet many of us spend years trying to preserve an identity that may no longer reflect our lives. We cling to old beliefs because they are familiar, even when they prevent us from exploring new possibilities.
The first step towards changing that is to become curious about ourselves again. Question the things you believe you cannot do. Examine the reasons behind the decisions you make. Consider whether your ambitions genuinely belong to you or whether they are the result of expectations you have never challenged.
And when you discover that some of your beliefs have been holding you back, do not treat that discovery as another reason to criticise yourself. Recognising a limiting belief is not a failure. It is an opportunity to remove something that may never have belonged there in the first place.
You do not have to spend the rest of your life trying to become the person everyone else expects you to be. You do not have to defend every decision you have ever made or remain loyal to every belief you formed as a child. You have the freedom to question, to change and to discover.
And that may be the most positive thought of all. You are not broken. You are not a finished product, and you do not need to spend your life trying to repair yourself. You may just need to remove a few of the things that have been preventing you from seeing who you really are.
Frequently Asked Questions
1. Why are we not always the person we think we are?
Our identity is often shaped by childhood experiences, family expectations, relationships and other people's opinions. Over time, we can adopt beliefs about ourselves without questioning whether they genuinely reflect who we are.
2. How do other people's opinions affect our identity?
The opinions of parents, teachers, partners and colleagues can influence how we see ourselves. Repeated criticism or praise can become part of our identity, affecting our confidence, decisions and willingness to try new things.
3. Can childhood experiences affect how we see ourselves as adults?
Yes. Labels and expectations we encounter during childhood can influence our beliefs about our abilities and personality. These beliefs may continue into adulthood, even when our circumstances and capabilities have changed.
4. What are limiting beliefs, and how do they affect our lives?
Limiting beliefs are assumptions we hold about ourselves that restrict what we believe we can achieve. Believing that we are not intelligent, confident or capable enough can prevent us from pursuing opportunities and discovering our potential.
5. How can I stop worrying about what other people think of me?
Start by recognising when your decisions are driven by a desire for approval. Question whether other people's opinions genuinely reflect your values and remember that you cannot build a fulfilling life by constantly trying to satisfy everyone else.
6. Can your personality change over time?
Yes. Although certain personality traits may remain relatively stable, our behaviour, interests, attitudes and beliefs can change throughout life. We are not obliged to remain the person we were in childhood or even the person we were yesterday.
7. How can I discover who I really am?
Begin by questioning the beliefs and expectations that have shaped your identity. Consider which ambitions genuinely matter to you, which behaviours are driven by fear and whether you are living according to your own values or someone else's expectations.
8. Why do we sometimes mistake fear for our personality?
Repeated behaviours can become so familiar that we regard them as permanent personality traits. For example, avoiding confrontation may appear to be part of someone's nature when it is actually driven by a fear of rejection or criticism.
9. What does Michael Younge mean by removing limiting beliefs?
Michael Younge's philosophy compares personal development to the work of a sculptor. Rather than continually adding qualities to improve ourselves, we can question and remove the fears, assumptions and beliefs that prevent us from recognising our potential.
10. How does positive thinking help us become our true selves?
Positive thinking can help us challenge negative assumptions and question beliefs that restrict our choices. Michael Younge's You Are Not Broken philosophy focuses on removing these obstacles rather than pretending everything is fine or trying to become someone else.
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