Every so often, we all need something resembling an emotional service. A car gets serviced because you don't wait until something falls off before checking whether everything is working as it should. Your mind deserves the same attention. Not because there is something wrong with you, but because life has a habit of leaving things behind. An argument you never resolved, a disappointment you never quite got over, a fear you have learned to live around or a belief about yourself that you accepted years ago and have never thought to question can all quietly influence the way you live.
The interesting thing is that these things rarely announce themselves. They simply become part of the background. Perhaps you have started telling yourself that you aren't confident, that you don't like the way you look, that you always get things wrong or that you are simply not the sort of person who does certain things. Perhaps you keep putting something off because you are frightened of failing, or you remain in a situation that makes you unhappy because changing it seems even more frightening. The thought becomes familiar, and because it is familiar, you begin to treat it as though it were a fact.
This is where a conversation with yourself can become useful. If you can, find somewhere quiet and spend some time looking at yourself in a mirror. This isn't an invitation to start listing everything you dislike about your appearance. Quite the opposite. Try to look at yourself with the same fairness you might offer a friend. You might not like everything you see, and there may be things you genuinely want to change, but you are not a collection of imperfections. You are a person, and your appearance is only one part of your story.
What will you change
If there is something you genuinely want to change, ask yourself whether you can do something about it. Perhaps you want to become fitter, lose some weight, change your hairstyle or take better care of yourself. If so, decide what you can realistically do and then do it. But make those changes because they are things you want for yourself, rather than because you have decided that you must become acceptable before you are allowed to like yourself. You don't have to hate yourself into changing.
Then move beyond the mirror and start asking yourself some more difficult questions. What is worrying you at the moment? What have you been avoiding? Is there something you keep thinking about but never actually deal with? Give yourself permission to answer honestly. If it helps, say it out loud: I am worried about... Putting the problem into words can sometimes make it easier to understand because you are no longer dealing with a vague feeling that something is wrong. You have identified what the something actually is.
Once you have done that, ask yourself what the worst realistic outcome might be. This isn't about frightening yourself further; it is about taking an undefined fear and giving it some shape. Then ask how likely that outcome really is, and finally ask what you could do to make the situation better, or at least make it easier to deal with. These questions won't magically solve every problem, because some problems don't have easy answers, but they can move you away from helpless worry and towards thinking about your options.
That is positive thinking in a much more practical sense. You aren't pretending that the problem doesn't exist, and you aren't telling yourself that everything will somehow work out. You are looking directly at the problem and asking what you can do about it. You may still have to make a difficult decision, ask somebody for help or accept that there are parts of the situation you cannot control. But you are doing something rather than allowing the worry to sit in your head and grow.
There is another useful part of this conversation. Imagine that the problem you have identified belongs to somebody you care about. What would you say to them? Would you tell them they were useless, that they had no chance or that one mistake proved they would always fail? Probably not. You would listen to them. You might point out something they hadn't considered, remind them of things they had achieved and encourage them to take the next step. Yet we can be remarkably compassionate towards other people and extraordinarily harsh towards ourselves. So, try giving yourself the same advice.
Discover what needs attention
You don't have to solve your entire life during one conversation. Perhaps you discover one thing that needs attention, one habit you want to change, one conversation you need to have or one decision you have been avoiding. That is enough to begin with. Ask yourself what is within your control and what isn't. Concentrate on the part you can influence and decide what one practical step you can take.
It might mean making a difficult phone call, asking for help, changing a habit, apologising to someone, setting a boundary or finally starting something you have been putting off. The important thing is that the conversation leads somewhere. Thinking differently matters, but it becomes meaningful when it changes what you do.
And don't wait until things are going wrong before you have this conversation. When life is going well, ask yourself what is working. What are you enjoying? Who makes your life better? What have you achieved that you rarely give yourself credit for? What are you grateful for? Gratitude isn't about pretending everything is perfect. It is simply making sure that the difficult things don't become so loud that you stop noticing everything that is good.
Perhaps that is the real value of talking to yourself. It isn't about finding everything that needs fixing. It is about understanding what is happening inside your own head and becoming more aware of the choices available to you.
You are going to spend the rest of your life with yourself. It seems only sensible to get to know the person you are travelling with. So, find somewhere quiet, ask yourself some honest questions and, this time, stay around long enough to hear the answers.
You are not broken. But every now and then, it is worth stopping to ask yourself how you are really doing.
Here are five FAQs that add useful information without simply repeating the article.
Frequently Asked Questions
1. Is talking to yourself actually helpful?
Yes. A deliberate conversation with yourself can help you organise your thoughts, identify what is really worrying you and separate a genuine problem from the fear surrounding it. Saying something out loud can also make it easier to examine rather than simply reacting to it.
2. What should I talk to myself about?
Start with whatever has been occupying your mind. Ask yourself what is worrying you, what you are avoiding and whether there is something you keep telling yourself that may not actually be true. You can also ask what is going well and what you are grateful for. The aim is honest reflection, not criticism.
3. What if I discover something I don't like about myself?
That doesn't mean there is something wrong with you. It may simply identify something you would like to change. The important distinction is between “I don't like this behaviour” and “I don't like myself.” One gives you something you can work on; the other turns a behaviour into a judgement about your entire identity.
4. Can positive thinking solve my problems?
Positive thinking isn't a substitute for dealing with real problems, and it certainly can't control everything that happens in life. Its value is in helping you approach difficulties differently, consider your options and take constructive action rather than automatically assuming the worst.
5. How often should I have a conversation with myself?
There is no perfect schedule. A deeper check-in once a month can be useful, but you don't need to wait that long if something is troubling you. The more familiar you become with reflecting on your thoughts and feelings, the easier it can become to notice when something needs your attention.
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