There is something fundamentally wrong with the idea that failure is something to be avoided at all costs, which is why many schools often go to extraordinary lengths to protect children from the experience. We celebrate their achievements, reward their progress and encourage them to believe they can accomplish anything. These are all worthwhile ambitions, but what happens when things do not go according to plan?
Life is full of disappointments. People fail examinations, lose competitions, make poor decisions, miss opportunities and discover that their best efforts do not always produce the results they hoped for. No amount of encouragement can remove these realities. So why do we sometimes behave as though failure has no place in a child's education?
The problem is not that schools celebrate success. It is that, in doing so, they can sometimes leave children unprepared for the inevitable experience of failure. If we want children to develop confidence, independence and resilience, we need to teach them that getting things wrong is not a disaster. It is part of being human.
Children are growing up in an environment where achievement is often measured, recorded and compared. Grades, certificates, awards and league tables can all contribute to a culture in which success becomes the principal measure of progress.
There is nothing wrong with recognising achievement. The difficulty arises when children begin to believe that making a mistake is evidence that they are not good enough.
Consider the child who refuses to answer a question in class because they are frightened of getting it wrong. Or the pupil who avoids trying something new because they are convinced they will not be good at it. These children may have plenty of ability, but their fear of failure is preventing them from discovering what they can achieve.
When we place too much emphasis on getting things right, we risk teaching children that mistakes are something to be embarrassed about rather than opportunities to learn. Over time, this can discourage curiosity, creativity and independent thinking.
A child who is afraid of failure may choose the safest option every time. They may avoid challenges, give up when something becomes difficult or become dependent on others to reassure them that they are doing well. That is not confidence. It is a reliance on success to feel good about oneself.
Failure is not the opposite of success
One of the most important lessons we can teach children is that failure and success are not opposing forces. They are often part of the same journey. Learning to ride a bicycle involves falling off. Learning to play an instrument involves making mistakes. Learning to write, solve mathematical problems or develop a new skill requires experimentation, correction and persistence.
However, children can quickly develop the idea that mistakes are evidence of inadequacy. They may believe that someone who succeeds has a natural ability they lack, rather than understanding the practice and setbacks that often lie behind achievement. We need to change that perception.
Failure is an event, not an identity. Getting a question wrong does not make a child unintelligent. Losing a competition does not make them unsuccessful. Making a poor decision does not mean they are destined to make poor decisions throughout their lives. When children understand this distinction, they can begin to separate what has happened to them from who they believe themselves to be.
That is an important foundation for positive thinking. It allows children to recognise disappointment without allowing it to define their self-worth.
It is natural for teachers and parents to want children to be happy. Nobody enjoys watching a child struggle or experience disappointment. However, protecting children from every setback can have unintended consequences.
If adults constantly intervene to prevent failure, children may never discover that they have the ability to overcome difficulties themselves. They may also come to expect that someone will always be there to solve their problems.
Of course, children need support, encouragement and appropriate protection. There are situations where adult intervention is essential. But there is a difference between helping a child through a difficult experience and removing every obstacle before they have the opportunity to face it. Allowing children to experience manageable disappointment gives them the chance to understand their emotions, consider what went wrong and decide what to do next.
A child who does not win a competition, for example, may feel upset or embarrassed. Those feelings deserve to be acknowledged, not dismissed with an instruction to think positively, but once the disappointment has been recognised, the child can be encouraged to reflect on the experience and decide whether they want to try again. The objective is not to make children enjoy failure. It is to help them discover that they can cope with it.
Positive thinking does not mean pretending failure doesn't matter
There is a common misconception that positive thinking means looking on the bright side of every situation. In reality, that approach can leave children feeling that their disappointment is being ignored.
Telling a child who has worked hard for an examination that it does not matter if they fail may be intended as reassurance, but it can also undermine the effort they have invested. Equally, insisting that every setback is a wonderful opportunity can feel unrealistic when a child is genuinely upset. A more constructive approach is to help children understand what they are thinking and feeling.
They can be disappointed without believing they are failures. They can be frustrated without deciding they are incapable. They can recognise that they made a mistake without allowing that mistake to become a judgement about their worth.
This is where my philosophy of positive thinking becomes particularly relevant. The aim is not to add artificial optimism to a difficult situation. It is to remove the negative beliefs that prevent children from seeing it clearly.
Instead of thinking, "I failed, so I'm no good at this," a child can learn to ask, "What went wrong, and what can I do differently next time?" That change in perspective can make a profound difference to how they approach future challenges.
When children are afraid of failure, they can become overly dependent on approval. They want to know that their work is good enough, that their answers are correct and that their decisions will please the adults around them. Encouragement is important, but children also need to develop the ability to trust their own judgement.
Allowing them to make age-appropriate decisions, take reasonable risks and experience the consequences of their choices can help them develop that independence.
Teachers can support this by creating classrooms where mistakes are treated as a normal part of learning. Rather than focusing exclusively on correct answers, they can encourage children to explain their reasoning, explore different approaches and reflect on what they have learned.
The same principle applies to feedback. Constructive feedback should help children understand how to improve without making them feel that their mistakes diminish their value. Over time, children can begin to develop confidence that does not depend entirely on praise or achievement.
The real lesson is learning to begin again
Perhaps the greatest gift we can give children is the confidence to begin again. There will be times when their efforts do not produce the results they want. They will encounter rejection, disappointment and situations they cannot control. They will make mistakes, sometimes despite doing everything they can to get things right.
We cannot prepare them for every eventuality, but we can help them develop a healthier relationship with failure. That means teaching them that they do not have to be perfect, that they are allowed to make mistakes and that a disappointing experience does not determine their future.
It also means recognising that resilience is not about pretending to be unaffected by setbacks. It is about learning to face difficult experiences without losing confidence in yourself.
Education will always have an important role in helping children achieve their potential, but achievement should not come at the expense of their ability to cope when things go wrong.
If children leave school believing that failure is something shameful, we have given them an incomplete education. They may know how to pass examinations, but they may lack the confidence to deal with the challenges that follow.
Teaching children how to fail is not about lowering expectations or accepting poor performance. It is about giving them the emotional tools to learn from experience, take responsibility for their decisions and keep moving forward.
The sculptor Michelangelo believed that the figure was already present within the stone; the artist's task was to remove what concealed it. The same idea can be applied to children. We do not need to create confidence by protecting them from every difficult experience. We need to help them remove the fear, self-doubt and limiting beliefs that prevent them from recognising their own potential.
Children do not need a life in which failure never happens. They need the confidence to know that when it does, they are still capable, still valuable and still able to move forward. Perhaps the most important lesson we can teach a child is not how to succeed every time, but how to believe in themselves when they don't.
Frequently asked questions about this story
1. Why is it important to teach children how to fail?
Teaching children how to fail helps them develop resilience, confidence and the ability to cope with disappointment. It shows them that mistakes are a natural part of learning and that failure does not define their worth or potential.
2. How can failure help children develop resilience?
Experiencing manageable setbacks gives children opportunities to understand their emotions, reflect on what went wrong and decide how to respond. With appropriate support, they can learn that difficulties can be overcome and that they have the ability to try again.
3. Should schools teach children that failure is part of learning?
Yes. Schools can help children understand that making mistakes is an essential part of learning. Encouraging pupils to ask questions, experiment and learn from errors can help reduce their fear of getting things wrong and give them the confidence to tackle unfamiliar challenges.
4. How can teachers help children overcome their fear of failure?
Teachers can create supportive classrooms where mistakes are treated as opportunities to learn rather than reasons for embarrassment. Constructive feedback, encouragement and opportunities to try again can help children develop confidence in their abilities.
5. What is the difference between positive thinking and pretending everything is fine?
Positive thinking does not mean ignoring disappointment or denying difficult emotions. It means helping children recognise negative thoughts, question unhelpful beliefs and develop a constructive response to challenges. Children can acknowledge that something has gone wrong without believing they are failures.
6. How does fear of failure affect a child's confidence?
Fear of failure can discourage children from participating in lessons, trying new activities or taking on unfamiliar challenges. They may become overly concerned about making mistakes or disappointing others. Helping them understand that mistakes do not define them can support greater self-confidence.
7. Should parents allow children to experience failure?
Parents should allow children to experience age-appropriate setbacks rather than automatically stepping in to solve every problem. With support and guidance, children can learn to manage disappointment, make decisions and develop independence. The aim is to help them cope, not to leave them struggling without support.
8. How can positive thinking help children deal with disappointment?
Positive thinking can help children recognise that a disappointing experience does not determine their future. By questioning negative thoughts and focusing on what they can learn or do next, they can develop a more balanced perspective and regain the confidence to try again.
9. How can schools encourage children to learn from their mistakes?
Schools can encourage pupils to reflect on errors, explore different approaches and see improvement as part of learning. Teachers can praise persistence and thoughtful problem-solving, while providing constructive feedback that helps children understand how to make progress.
10. What does Michael Younge mean when he says that failure is an event, not an identity?
Michael Younge's philosophy encourages children to separate what happens to them from who they are. Making a mistake, losing a competition or failing an examination does not make a child a failure. By removing the negative beliefs associated with setbacks, children can develop a healthier sense of self-worth and the confidence to move forward.
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